As I sit and think about you, God, I feel tears run down my face and into my hands, and it is only then that I realise that I am weeping. Strangely enough, this realization only makes me cry more, and the silent weeping turns into a ragged sobbing. I feel Alicia’s hand on my arm, but her touch offers no comfort. I hear her praying quietly beside me, for me, but her words wash over me, and make no difference. It is only her voice that I hear, I have no idea what she is saying, and I wonder, do I even want to know?
The church service finished a good half hour ago, but we still sit, Alicia praying, me just crying. Someone turns down the lights, our hint to go, yet still, we just sit. The last teenage stragglers leave, heading across the road for a healthy McDonalds dinner. Someone puts a hand on my shoulder and joins Alicia in prayer. And still, I just sit, staring at the bottom of the chair in front of me. I can’t bear to look up at the cross. Suddenly I realise that the praying has stopped. Alicia still has her hand on my arm, and I realise it is Monica with her hand on my shoulder. I squeeze her hand, and whisper a strangled “thank you” to them both. They close in for a group hug, Tim and Amy joining in, and I hug back, choking back another sob as I do so. There is so much love for me amongst these people, and I have so much for them, but tonight, it is more than I can handle. I don’t want to hug. I don’t want to be told I am loved, and I certainly don’t want anyone to ask if I am ok, because right at this point in time, I am not.
We leave the auditorium, calling quiet thanks to Graham the caretaker for waiting behind for us, Alicia handing me a Kleenex as we walk. An unspoken decision is made to head over to meet the rest of the group for dinner, and we walk slowly, in silence. Jenny catches my eye as we walk in, a question on her face, and I nod once that I am okay. I order just a drink, I can’t face food tonight. We sit, and I listen to the conversation around me, but for once say nothing. The talk is about you, and I have nothing to add, only questions in my mind as I wonder, God, do you even exist?
This is where I was only 8 months ago. I look back now, and I question myself, wondering how I could ever doubt the existence of an everlasting God. In everything around me, I see God’s hand. I close my eyes, and I feel his presence. God, Christ… I don’t just believe any longer, I KNOW. In my heart, and in my soul, I KNOW that God is real, and true. There is no doubt for me, just as there is no condemnation, no judgement from God.
Every time I used to have any sort of struggle, I would turn away from God, asking where he was, why I couldn’t see Him, wanting to know whether or not He existed. I wanted to believe, but in my heart, I think I was scared to. No longer. I’m not stuck in that limbo anymore. If I struggle, I turn to God. If my friends are struggling, I turn to prayer, praying with them and for them.
In everything that I am, everything that I have, I know that God is real, God is sovereign, God is true.
God is mine.
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