Mixed Feelings?

Today was one of those up and down days.

A couple of close friends and I visited another church today, and can I just say that I really didn't feel it. I felt no passion, only hype. The speaker, I felt, was trying too hard, was too forceful, and he left me feeling cold, as did the entire service. All I could think was, I can't wait to get home to NewHope. Of course, my negative feelings at this church were only exacerbated by the rude people pushing and shoving, the total lack of signage toward an exit (what, do they want you to stay there overnight?!), and the fact that my glucometer somehow fell out of my handbag at some stage, and I was in a total panic. I just wanted to cry.

So fast forward... On entering the building back at NewHope , I realised that it was indeed, truly my home. Within seconds of seeing the familiar faces, the much loved walls and sanctuary, my panic and stress was gone. I was enveloped in hugs by my best friends, and surrounded by walls where I had encountered God a million times, and in a million ways.

The service was amazing. The worship was led by our wonderful youth, and they did a terrific job, as always. It makes me happy to see such love and passion from Christ in the faces and body language of the teens. The sermon, however... was just beyond awesome. We had a guest speaker tonight, a Youth Pastor from Box Hill North Salvation Army church. His sermon was his own Testimony, and I was moved beyond description. Matthew told us about Growing up in a loving Christian home, and turning away from God and into drugs at the age of 13. At 16, he left home, and was soon dealing drugs, and getting himself into more and more debt. He was hooked on cocaine, and so far from God its not funny. It was only the death of one of his close friends, when he himself was only 21, that brought him back to God, and to a new life in Him, a life where there was no room for anything he had been up to in the past.

Matthew's testimony had me in tears, and I realised after that I was actually talking to God the entire time I was listening. I want what Matthew has now. I want the faith, I want the trust, and I want to cling to God with all I have, through everything, good, bad and indifferent. I want to give up all that I have, all my ambition, wants and needs, and put it all behind Christ. I want Him to be my number one, to be the sole reason I wake in the morning, and the sole reason I go to bed at night.

I want to be a child and woman in Christ, living only for him.

Evolution

That is, mine as a Christian, not the theory that Darwin proposed.

I always believed that the most important part of my Christian story was the beginning, where I first came to know God on a personal basis. I believed that this was MY story, MY journey, that it was about how I came to know God... and it's only recently that I've realised that I had it all flip-side.

This isn't MY story... it's God's story, about how he found another lost lamb. It's His story of finding me, bringing me to Him, and teaching me how to love Him.

It's not MY journey... this is God's journey. He invited me to walk with Him, to learn from Him, not the other way around. I wasn't seeking Him, although I should have been. He had to find me, show Himself to me, before I even started to look.

It's definitely not about how I came to know God... it's about how He revealed himself to me, and how he continues to do so.



In the last couple of weeks, I've come to realise that I no longer BELIEVE in God... I don't just blindly accept Him.. I KNOW He is real, and true, and living. I am a much happier person than I can ever remember being. I'm more confident, more comfortable. And I finally know the truth... I am 100% God's Girl.

Questioning God??? Not anymore

As I sit and think about you, God, I feel tears run down my face and into my hands, and it is only then that I realise that I am weeping. Strangely enough, this realization only makes me cry more, and the silent weeping turns into a ragged sobbing. I feel Alicia’s hand on my arm, but her touch offers no comfort. I hear her praying quietly beside me, for me, but her words wash over me, and make no difference. It is only her voice that I hear, I have no idea what she is saying, and I wonder, do I even want to know?

The church service finished a good half hour ago, but we still sit, Alicia praying, me just crying. Someone turns down the lights, our hint to go, yet still, we just sit. The last teenage stragglers leave, heading across the road for a healthy McDonalds dinner. Someone puts a hand on my shoulder and joins Alicia in prayer. And still, I just sit, staring at the bottom of the chair in front of me. I can’t bear to look up at the cross. Suddenly I realise that the praying has stopped. Alicia still has her hand on my arm, and I realise it is Monica with her hand on my shoulder. I squeeze her hand, and whisper a strangled “thank you” to them both. They close in for a group hug, Tim and Amy joining in, and I hug back, choking back another sob as I do so. There is so much love for me amongst these people, and I have so much for them, but tonight, it is more than I can handle. I don’t want to hug. I don’t want to be told I am loved, and I certainly don’t want anyone to ask if I am ok, because right at this point in time, I am not.

We leave the auditorium, calling quiet thanks to Graham the caretaker for waiting behind for us, Alicia handing me a Kleenex as we walk. An unspoken decision is made to head over to meet the rest of the group for dinner, and we walk slowly, in silence. Jenny catches my eye as we walk in, a question on her face, and I nod once that I am okay. I order just a drink, I can’t face food tonight. We sit, and I listen to the conversation around me, but for once say nothing. The talk is about you, and I have nothing to add, only questions in my mind as I wonder, God, do you even exist?

This is where I was only 8 months ago. I look back now, and I question myself, wondering how I could ever doubt the existence of an everlasting God. In everything around me, I see God’s hand. I close my eyes, and I feel his presence. God, Christ… I don’t just believe any longer, I KNOW. In my heart, and in my soul, I KNOW that God is real, and true. There is no doubt for me, just as there is no condemnation, no judgement from God.

Every time I used to have any sort of struggle, I would turn away from God, asking where he was, why I couldn’t see Him, wanting to know whether or not He existed. I wanted to believe, but in my heart, I think I was scared to. No longer. I’m not stuck in that limbo anymore. If I struggle, I turn to God. If my friends are struggling, I turn to prayer, praying with them and for them.

In everything that I am, everything that I have, I know that God is real, God is sovereign, God is true.

God is mine.

Asking for Forgiveness

We had a truly amazing church service this weekend... Our senior Pastor preached from Hosea 14, Repentance to bring Blessing

Repentance to Bring Blessing
1 Return, O Israel, to the LORD your God.
Your sins have been your downfall!
2 Take words with you
and return to the LORD.
Say to him:
"Forgive all our sins
and receive us graciously,
that we may offer the fruit of our lips. [a]

3 Assyria cannot save us;
we will not mount war-horses.
We will never again say 'Our gods'
to what our own hands have made,
for in you the fatherless find compassion."

4 "I will heal their waywardness
and love them freely,
for my anger has turned away from them.

5 I will be like the dew to Israel;
he will blossom like a lily.
Like a cedar of Lebanon
he will send down his roots;

6 his young shoots will grow.
His splendor will be like an olive tree,
his fragrance like a cedar of Lebanon.

7 Men will dwell again in his shade.
He will flourish like the grain.
He will blossom like a vine,
and his fame will be like the wine from Lebanon.

8 O Ephraim, what more have I [b] to do with idols?
I will answer him and care for him.
I am like a green pine tree;
your fruitfulness comes from me."

9 Who is wise? He will realize these things.
Who is discerning? He will understand them.
The ways of the LORD are right;
the righteous walk in them,
but the rebellious stumble in them.

Allan led us in prayer, asked us to give it up to God, to confess and repent, and ask his forgiveness... then as we closed our prayers, we sung Amazing Grace, which never fails to make me cry. The testimony in that hymn is amazing.

This week, I'm praying for more faith, that I can have the strength to give it all up to God, no matter how big or small my problems. Nobody but God can heal me.

The Butterfly

Fragile
As the breath of an angel
The wings of the butterfly flutter on the air,
A short spray of colour as the creature floats past.
Created by the hand of God,
for no human could imagine such beauty,
delicacy,
fragility.
My urge, is to reach out and touch.
Its beauty is unsurpassed,
its touch gentle,
The petal of the flower it lands on
barely disturbed.
Wings displayed, I am transfixed by the beauty.
And I thank God,
and I praise Him,
for crafting such beauty for my eyes.