For Riley, my son.

Darling Riley,

Its hard to believe that you are already more than 3 weeks old. You are the child I never thought I could have, the baby I never believed I would hold in my arms... and you are more than I ever wished for.

The months preceeding your birth were so hard for me, and for your dad. I was so ill, my diabetes was hard to control, I had morning sickness from about 5 weeks until the very day you were born, you tried to come early, at just 29 weeks, and then I spent the last 2 and a half weeks before you actually DID arrive stuck in hospital. I was frustrated, sick, scared, and struggled to believe that I could actually make it... the only things that kept me going were the love I GOT from your dad, and the love I felt for him, and for you. Every time you kicked me, or turned over, of I saw a scan of your beautiful face, I gained a little strength, just enough to keep me going... and when finally, FINALLY, I saw you for the first time, I knew that you were worth every second and more.

Your birth was traumatic. I reacted to the spinal block, and you were ill yourself. You spent your first four days in NICU, and then another 2 in Special Care. You were on a ventilator for your first 12 hours. Your platelets were dropping, with no explanation why. I didn't get to hold you until you were three days old... and that moment, the second that I finally held you in my arms, I knew what love TRULY was. I was trembling before the nurses put you in my arms, and I had tears streaming down my face, onto yours. Ar that moment, Riley, I knew that I would do it all again, a thousand times over, if it meant having you forever.

As I said, you are now more than 3 weeks old. Its 6am, and i have just put you into your cot after your 5am feed and cuddle. After I put you down, I just stood beside you for a moment, looking at you, wondering how such a tiny little creature can inspire so much love and tenderness, so much change. My heart aches at the thought of things that could hurt you, and I swear to you that for every moment I am alive, every moment you need me, I will do all that I can to protect you. I made you. I carried you for 37 weeks, and I went through hell to get you here safely. For every minute of the rest of my life, I will love you. I know there will be times we will fight, get angry, say things we may later regret, but through it all will be love, all I have.

You are beautiful, perfect, and I don't know how I made such an incredible creature.

I love you.

Mummy.xx